Unknown Fear

I am so tired of being scared.  I'm so pissed people telling me what to do.  I am also feed up with all the complaining and fighting.  I am even afraid of losing what I saved.  I am always the one with vulnerable heart.  I AM TIRED OF PRETENDING that I am brave.

Why can't they understand, I am not good with talking?  I can only write.  I stammer, lost for words, black out and my palms cold and moist.  People demand so much when they're actually selfish.  Do they really care for my sake or they're only thinking of their own and how they'll profit me?

I only want to think of happy thoughts and things I want to do. I think of those grateful smiles of people whom I made happy with my cheerfulness, friendship, humor and generosity.  Above all, I am thinking of Papa who always love me even after death.  His stories never outdated and forgotten.

I waited patiently for so long but still goes wrong and I am not the authority.  People scold and blame me... Tell me this... Tell me that... As if, I don't have a brain of my own.

I don't want to take things slow.  I want to calm down myself for I AM SO BORED TO DEATH and my brains seem to rust.  I am so frustated of not using my skills.   I don't want to throw my gift of wisdom.  I want to be out there again...

I want to trust them to help me and they'll resolve things for me.  I trust that they'll find a way and God will aid them too.  The person said wait and have faith, and I will do so.  I believe the ability of that person, will I question her to annoy her?  If I'll make a move, she might take the wrong way.  My instincts told me to trust.... and why people keep on saying a lot as if they're perfect and I am always incorrect?  I believe, she's finding solutions and she'll find a way. 

My instincts tell me not to worry and trust them to their job... They'll let me in... God sent me to them... There's always a way...  I am not brainless and a coward... I am just trusting to the ones who give me their words....

This will be over soon and I will make a lot of people happy again.