Everdearest You,

Unintentionally and unexpectedly how our stories tangled in the web of fate.

It was not your intention and same way here.  However, your gift of friendship led me to a dangerous reality that brought me joys in sorrows, hopes in miseries, patience in nothingness, and excitements in darkness.  Most of all, love in silence and waiting for the right time it will finally have a space in your heart.

I may not say a lot due to my awareness in my position in your life.  Yet, you know that in spite of my absence, I am always here for you and I mean to keep my words if the chance and the opportunity are granted to me. 

Love and romance are not in my list.  I dream of pursuing my career and profit in my skills.  In my heart, I want to give convenience to my family and I want to be generous in sharing what I have to others who earn less.

Was it with God's permission when you bumped into me that evening I'll forever cherished?  SO, there was you who showed me how different men species and difficult to manage.  I proclaimed it quits before I fell for you.  Yet, you were always a true friend even if I were despicable.  Somehow, forgive me if in my heart, I don't want to be only your friend and desire for more.

There's no undoing of what is done, and no regrets of what can't be returned.  All those times I am with you or spoke with you, I found true joy in my heart.

You conquered me and beat my wits.  I risked it all. I played the role of a fool... Just to prove you I mean it when I said, 'I LOVE YOU.'

The moon, stars and sun will remain same as my affection.  I still love you, nothing has changed.  I hope you'll find it in your heart that it is true...

From this girl
Always loving u

Tasteless...

What can I do if I befriended with the opposite gender with whatever age, educational background and status?  None of them are alike papa because my father is one of a kind in his ways.  Whoever they are, all of them are imperfect in their ways.  I am so fed up of questioning, following the rules and be guided by the standards.   Where all my obedience leads me?  Here, scribbling this post alone and uncertain with how tomorrow will turn out.

Two months, the routine I am used to changed. As if I am locked up, not out there under the heat of the sun.  Was it worth it?  I don't want to recall the faces already gone in my present time.  Did I let go because I am afraid of what people think?  Was it because I  couldn't risk for I used not to be weak and so proud of myself? 

All of them are unique in their ways.  They were not someone, I just imagined.  Most of them were my good friends.  They liked me as a good and skillful person.  Yet, I admired them but I never needed them to attain my goals.  I always want to do it all by myself like so many great women in history.  I chose not to be dependent and believe there's more of being a woman.

Thus, I prayed to God teach me how to give, share, trust and love.  If it is meant for me, lead him the way to my heart.  I am not particular, God knows him so well...

Unknown Fear

I am so tired of being scared.  I'm so pissed people telling me what to do.  I am also feed up with all the complaining and fighting.  I am even afraid of losing what I saved.  I am always the one with vulnerable heart.  I AM TIRED OF PRETENDING that I am brave.

Why can't they understand, I am not good with talking?  I can only write.  I stammer, lost for words, black out and my palms cold and moist.  People demand so much when they're actually selfish.  Do they really care for my sake or they're only thinking of their own and how they'll profit me?

I only want to think of happy thoughts and things I want to do. I think of those grateful smiles of people whom I made happy with my cheerfulness, friendship, humor and generosity.  Above all, I am thinking of Papa who always love me even after death.  His stories never outdated and forgotten.

I waited patiently for so long but still goes wrong and I am not the authority.  People scold and blame me... Tell me this... Tell me that... As if, I don't have a brain of my own.

I don't want to take things slow.  I want to calm down myself for I AM SO BORED TO DEATH and my brains seem to rust.  I am so frustated of not using my skills.   I don't want to throw my gift of wisdom.  I want to be out there again...

I want to trust them to help me and they'll resolve things for me.  I trust that they'll find a way and God will aid them too.  The person said wait and have faith, and I will do so.  I believe the ability of that person, will I question her to annoy her?  If I'll make a move, she might take the wrong way.  My instincts told me to trust.... and why people keep on saying a lot as if they're perfect and I am always incorrect?  I believe, she's finding solutions and she'll find a way. 

My instincts tell me not to worry and trust them to their job... They'll let me in... God sent me to them... There's always a way...  I am not brainless and a coward... I am just trusting to the ones who give me their words....

This will be over soon and I will make a lot of people happy again.

Trust in God

My heart trembles
I am powerless
I dream and struggle
I am not in control
Halt the bouncing ball

Where my courage takes me?
The truth, I don't want to see?
Lord, to you I always plea
Drowning in reality's sea
I'll win, Almighty let it be!

Tell them give me a chance
Another try, don't want to cry
My gifts I want to share
My skills I want to use
Lord, it's my time and turn