Creamy Split

How to surpass depression and survive from rejection? Well, a yummy dessert can aid my all shattered heart.

Oh, My Baby G!

 

 I am a fan of black and white films, the old classics.  I watched all Shirley Temple movies and a lot more.  So, I couldn't help wishing to have a porcelain doll (like in the Little Princess movie) that only rich kids could afford.  I was so offended with what the landlady said yesterday and couldn't help feeling sad for my situation.  So, even it was unplanned to go out, I accompanied my friend for a Saturday stroll.

Then, there she was, the dream and love of the little girl in me. I saw it in an old shop and the price was reasonable. Not included in the budget, but I couldn't help it. The auntie in the shop was so kind, she even told her boss to give me free earrings. Haha. My convincing power and thick skin worked again, just like old times. My friend playfully suggested to name my new pretty doll. I said, Geneve, same as my pretty student's name. Or Geneva, same as my student's character in his story. Then, my friend suggested we call her Genie because a genie makes wishes come true. Oh my baby Genie, you know the desires of my heart... make my wishes come true! One day, you'll have a true playmate but one at the time.  

 A budget and cheap shopping for hurt and stress relief!!! I bought stuff for my sis and I. A week's budget for meal wasted!!!! But, I did this to take a break from my painful reality. Btw, baby G, kiss papa G... nyt-nyt!!! The day will come he'll find me in his heart.... Good night. XOXO....

OMG, BB GGG!!!!

Soon is Near

What can I say I am an ordinary stranger, I can't change and disobey the rules...

I pray with all my heart and after all the failures, I am already used to fear.

What will I say??? I have no phone.  I only hitch for internet connection.  I will not give up on trying...

Lazy Sunday

My sister and friend are lazy to go out for lunch.  So, we ordered Mac...

Painkillers for My Thoughts...

Those were days that are gone but I can never take out from my head.  The fever is getting into the cells of my brain, driving me nuts every single day.  Am I hallucinating again? Will I cease not to remember something I can't forget?  Will you hear me again? I am awfully down but I must not give up and lost hope.  So bad, I am almost there...

Do you despise me? Or disregard the friend you found in me?  You know I am so willing to jump off the fence in between us. However, it is up to you... the decision is yours...

Can you stop me from missing you?  There's never a day inside my prison cell of boredom I wish to see you not only in my imagination.  I wish you are in front of me so that I can look into your eyes and smell your manly aroma.  I will keep on missing those times you make me feel different but comfortable in your company.  You brought to me a package of joy with pain and wonderful memories. Hopefully those times won't end but more to come.

Ouch.  Here it goes again.... those memories lingering in every fiber of me.  Prescribe me the painkillers that will cure the longings in me.  Prove to me those are not only real in my thoughts...

I hope you can hear me... but I don't know if I have the face to see you once more... Or do you still want to see me?

MY PHONE IS DEAD

I am disappointed with the turn of events.  After all the crying time, I kneeled and prayed with confidence.  If I will lose hope now and keep looking back with the series of unfortunate events, I can't do anything. Hence, my only choice is to embrace the truth.  

I wanted to dial the phone or wait for your call.  Then, when I looked at my phone,  it showed 'no service'.
Lucky, I have kind neighbors whose wifi's passwords were disabled.  My friend also let me use her internet.  My old phone has problem with wifi connection.   Thanks to my mama, she left the phone I gave her. At least I have something to use for my online entertainment.

Poor thing :( I mourned for my phone for it is totally useless.  It is so dead.  I have money but I am saving it for upcoming expenses.

Lord, melt those hearts made of steels and whom abided by the rues.  Dear Lord, lend them your considerate and kind heart.  Send Your Holy Spirit to enlighten their hearts and minds.  If it is your will, let it be done! 

RIP to my phone.  Don't worry you'll be resurrected.

A Broth for a New Challenge

Just one more step and suddenly the lightning struck me...

Just one more and I'm back again.

ALMOST THERE...

It was harsh and painful.  I cried aloud same way when my father died.

So, I must face the reality that in this world there are certain rules to follow.  Even if not in favor of my situation, I have to accept the dreadful decision.

It's not I can't make it.  Not a question of my abilities, capabilities and intellect.  It is about standards and what are my roots.

Starting all over again.  I diverted my mind from all the worries by keeping myself busy.  I completed watching all episodes of Games of Thrones.  I made silly poster quotes that I uploaded in my Tumbler account.  Yeah, I entertained myself with my creativity.  Then, I decided to cook chicken broth with noodles for dinner.

Let's celebrate another beginning and a new challenge.  If it's God's will no strict rules and stubborn men can stop it.

After all the drama and sleepless evening, I told myself God won't abandon me and He'll give me what I deserve. And there's no stopping Him.

The Riverdale and Sweet Valley Days

I knew them so well, as if I am their friend and I lived in their world.  The mixture of comedy and drama filled the pages, which were part of my high school days.  Those were the gangs who made me cry and laugh, a world described in words that became true in my head.

The fun of the gang in Riverdale High can still make me chuckle.  The twins of Sweet Valley will never fade in my memory.

All of them, hope not only a dream.  If only the world is not bias and discriminating, and doesn't follow rules and standards.  If there are no priorities, and true talents and the heart to serve really matter.  It is always about favoritism... Sometimes those who have it, can't even appreciate how lucky they are...

Yeah, those characters are not alive.  Welcome to my reality!  How can I fight when I am not in control?  The harsh words and unfair decision...

I LIFT EVERYTHING TO GOD.  My tears can't get my money and allow me to show them what I got.

Those were the days...

The Devil Within

Isn't it ridiculous how patterns form something only your imaginative eyes can perceive?

What do you see? Two hearts reflecting each other.  Look closely and discover two fox' eyes.  Wait a minute!  Is it a mustache or those are fangs?  Hey, the scariest part is the horns on the heart.

I have so many strange dreams.  Those are not visions from God but the fruits of my sinful desires.  I surrender all those troubling thoughts.  How will I take away something that already resides in me?  Thus, it is a combat within, saving my soul from hell.

I only see what I want to see.  But, whoever you are, if there are unacceptable words you said, all of those are of no proofs and totally injustice.  If you were angry at me, condemn the circumstances for I am just another victim.  My apologies for your pains because I endure more.

Do you triumph in my defeat?  How long will you reign?  My life is bitter and sour now, I am still trying to survive.  What will happen to you?  I don't know.  You'll find it out yourself.  Will it be worst? I don't know, the future is not mine to see. 

Be warned, the wrongful wishes you have for others might backfire on you ten times or more.  Don't let the devil dominates us all. 

Worthless Paper

A hope nothing but a trash
A signature brings temporary joy on documents meant to be scratched
The most awaited miracle turned to be a grief
Have a I suffered enough?
I want to use and improve my skills
I am blessed with many gifts but with no luck
My good head is no significant
Why can't I be a slut who needs not to work and feed on men's profit?
Why can't I be whore who earns money in pleasure!??
I am so close to it
Almost there and why it should be taken?
I qualified and proved myself worthy
Why the world filled with rules of stubborn men?
The excitements dissolve into tears
Do I have reasons to smile?

I miss myself and the usual routines...
I am always enthusiastic with work
Oftentimes, pretending I am healthy and never get sick
I miss preparing my attire in the evenings
I miss hearing my laughter and how grateful others were...

I always have the chances...
Take away your curse and evil desires
Forgive me and I forgive you...

How many times will I lose?

Everdearest You,

Unintentionally and unexpectedly how our stories tangled in the web of fate.

It was not your intention and same way here.  However, your gift of friendship led me to a dangerous reality that brought me joys in sorrows, hopes in miseries, patience in nothingness, and excitements in darkness.  Most of all, love in silence and waiting for the right time it will finally have a space in your heart.

I may not say a lot due to my awareness in my position in your life.  Yet, you know that in spite of my absence, I am always here for you and I mean to keep my words if the chance and the opportunity are granted to me. 

Love and romance are not in my list.  I dream of pursuing my career and profit in my skills.  In my heart, I want to give convenience to my family and I want to be generous in sharing what I have to others who earn less.

Was it with God's permission when you bumped into me that evening I'll forever cherished?  SO, there was you who showed me how different men species and difficult to manage.  I proclaimed it quits before I fell for you.  Yet, you were always a true friend even if I were despicable.  Somehow, forgive me if in my heart, I don't want to be only your friend and desire for more.

There's no undoing of what is done, and no regrets of what can't be returned.  All those times I am with you or spoke with you, I found true joy in my heart.

You conquered me and beat my wits.  I risked it all. I played the role of a fool... Just to prove you I mean it when I said, 'I LOVE YOU.'

The moon, stars and sun will remain same as my affection.  I still love you, nothing has changed.  I hope you'll find it in your heart that it is true...

From this girl
Always loving u

Tasteless...

What can I do if I befriended with the opposite gender with whatever age, educational background and status?  None of them are alike papa because my father is one of a kind in his ways.  Whoever they are, all of them are imperfect in their ways.  I am so fed up of questioning, following the rules and be guided by the standards.   Where all my obedience leads me?  Here, scribbling this post alone and uncertain with how tomorrow will turn out.

Two months, the routine I am used to changed. As if I am locked up, not out there under the heat of the sun.  Was it worth it?  I don't want to recall the faces already gone in my present time.  Did I let go because I am afraid of what people think?  Was it because I  couldn't risk for I used not to be weak and so proud of myself? 

All of them are unique in their ways.  They were not someone, I just imagined.  Most of them were my good friends.  They liked me as a good and skillful person.  Yet, I admired them but I never needed them to attain my goals.  I always want to do it all by myself like so many great women in history.  I chose not to be dependent and believe there's more of being a woman.

Thus, I prayed to God teach me how to give, share, trust and love.  If it is meant for me, lead him the way to my heart.  I am not particular, God knows him so well...

Unknown Fear

I am so tired of being scared.  I'm so pissed people telling me what to do.  I am also feed up with all the complaining and fighting.  I am even afraid of losing what I saved.  I am always the one with vulnerable heart.  I AM TIRED OF PRETENDING that I am brave.

Why can't they understand, I am not good with talking?  I can only write.  I stammer, lost for words, black out and my palms cold and moist.  People demand so much when they're actually selfish.  Do they really care for my sake or they're only thinking of their own and how they'll profit me?

I only want to think of happy thoughts and things I want to do. I think of those grateful smiles of people whom I made happy with my cheerfulness, friendship, humor and generosity.  Above all, I am thinking of Papa who always love me even after death.  His stories never outdated and forgotten.

I waited patiently for so long but still goes wrong and I am not the authority.  People scold and blame me... Tell me this... Tell me that... As if, I don't have a brain of my own.

I don't want to take things slow.  I want to calm down myself for I AM SO BORED TO DEATH and my brains seem to rust.  I am so frustated of not using my skills.   I don't want to throw my gift of wisdom.  I want to be out there again...

I want to trust them to help me and they'll resolve things for me.  I trust that they'll find a way and God will aid them too.  The person said wait and have faith, and I will do so.  I believe the ability of that person, will I question her to annoy her?  If I'll make a move, she might take the wrong way.  My instincts told me to trust.... and why people keep on saying a lot as if they're perfect and I am always incorrect?  I believe, she's finding solutions and she'll find a way. 

My instincts tell me not to worry and trust them to their job... They'll let me in... God sent me to them... There's always a way...  I am not brainless and a coward... I am just trusting to the ones who give me their words....

This will be over soon and I will make a lot of people happy again.

Trust in God

My heart trembles
I am powerless
I dream and struggle
I am not in control
Halt the bouncing ball

Where my courage takes me?
The truth, I don't want to see?
Lord, to you I always plea
Drowning in reality's sea
I'll win, Almighty let it be!

Tell them give me a chance
Another try, don't want to cry
My gifts I want to share
My skills I want to use
Lord, it's my time and turn

Tomorrow Will Come

A friend told me,
    "You should not live in the past for you can't undo what is done.  You should not live in the future for you don't know what will happen and it will only make you anxious.  YOU SHOULD LIVE IN THE PRESENT AND LET IT BE WHAT HAPPENED NOW".

The PAST
     I mentioned to my sis, I studied four years in a secondary school mattered.  In order to keep, you must maintain the cut off grades with all the subjects.  Most of my classmates and schoolmates were well off.  Everyday then, I couldn't wait to grow up and be where I am now.  I always reminded myself, I will never be poor.  Indeed, in spite of my childish ways, I am ambitious and feared of errors.  I believed that a rich husband won't be my passport to wealth.  But, it is my skills, talents and wisdom that will bring me fortune. 

Yet, my problem was I am not competitive and not a show off.  I only kept them to myself because others were always better in many ways.

The FUTURE

I always wanted a beautiful crib and run my own business.  I wanted to have lots of savings for my old age.  Yeah, it's all about me.  Thus, I cried aloud when my first job as a secretary didn't pay well.
Then, I decided to teach.  A very special friend whom I met in my previous school told me, being a teacher wouldn't bring me any wealth.  He even questioned, 'why you just I be an engineer?'  I answered him, 'my career path led me here, so I should do my best'. 

No earnings went to me or to my dreams.  So, I worried not having my place.  I am always anxious, writing down my computations of how much money do I need for it. 

I am afraid to lose everything what I have started.  I don't waste my money on travels.   I love clothes and other stuff but I always buy those marked down prices, never new arrivals.

I want a secure future, which I owe to no one.  If ever, I'll settle down, my family will never be deprived and no one will look down at them.

The PRESENT

What happen now? I have no money and just slacking at home.  I hate the idea of relying to my sis for survival.  I tried my best but there are things ought to happen that is out of my control.  I disheartened just now.  How can I fix things? Will they let me lose my dreams?  I don't know how to make an appeal to convince them.  Just another try and may the Holy Spirit enlighten those stubborn hearts.

I don't want to lose everything I have started.  I want to smile again and determine to reach my goals with God's grace and guidance.

God always provides.  Come what may... Tomorrow will come...

Broken Pride

A day that doesn't end well.
My skills put down and underestimated.
Certificates and experience that were my edge overlooked.
A pay expected but never came out.
A heart wandering and longings unmend.
A friend always remembered, where are you now?
A food that we couldn't afford.
I asked my sis, ' are we going to wash the dishes!'
The card declined.

Help us, Lord!

Good night ! If only you were there and here beside me :(

A Brother's Gift

If the spell is true, it is finally broken.  It took my brother some time but his gift is worth waiting same as the one for me.

This will bring me luck for tomorrow.  It is not another manic Monday, but a new beginning and the door of opportunity.

Thank you, bro!  The earrings are fantastic!!!  Thanks to those people who truly care and believe in me.

Thank You, Lord for all the wonderful people around me.  Thanks also for all your wonderful gifts.

It sounds silly and old.  I still love and miss him.  I really do.  If it's not too much to wish, I want to feel him not only in my dreams.  Hope to hear from him again.

Is it possible???

Don't make it impossible
Don't be so horrible
Take me away from trouble
Not proud, always humble
Vanish not, like a bubble!
Loving u is my greatest gamble...
Honesty, no under the table!

The Ghost of the Stinky Rat

Last night, my sis and I were still watching online show via my big tv.  I complained to her for the noise above our ceiling.  I told her, why on earth someone wanted to move or rearrange their things so late.  The noise upstairs went on.  I joked to my sis that we could complain to HDB.  (haha, another complaining)

My sis paused fot awhile and gasped.  She mentioned the ghost stories we used to watch.  She added that almost ghost month.  Come on, we're old for the nonsense.

I prayed around 1.30 am.  I could still hear the footsteps upstairs.  It was no big deal and I'm a big girl now.  I am scared of nothing!

Later this afternoon, I am reading a book about Mother Teresa while listening to music.  As I went on, I sensed a stinky smell.  I even interrupted my sis with her tv viewing just to sniff me.  I asked her to smell my bed but she couldn't sense anything strange.

I ignored and proclaimed that perhaps it was the air.  Then, the scent surfaced again.  I couldn't take it and went out to ask the house' maid to sniff me.  She sensed no undesirable fragrance.  When I went to my bed, the odor was still there as if it was sitting beside me. 

This time, I was hysterical.  I quickly changed for church and sprayed my cologne all over my bed.

Not again.  Whatever it is... that dead rat smell maybe needed my prayers.  I don't want to feel the unknown.  Yet, they exists.  The old experience again.  I can't do anything for them but to pray that their souls may rest in peace. 

Rising from Falling

The landlord warned, 'it is overdue!'
The friend asked, 'until when?'
The wallet said, ' not even a cent!'
The stomach complained, ' instant noodles, AGAIN!!!'
The heart yelled, 'can't take it anymore!'
The brain speechless with migraine

Can I lend the money I lent?
Will I expect same generosity?
Do you do unto others and expect the same?
Are there friends after for  gold?
Is it true in troubles, untrue friends runaway?

Up and down, round in circles
The globe rotates and revolves
Many doors of opportunities await
Falling not only once but more
Come on, it's time to rise and shine!

Happy Times

An imperfect world and unpredictable life
A lonely woman in quest of the unknown
A traveler with undefined destination
The cold heart like winter's snowflake
A hollow soul of a man whom will show no mercy

Alms, give me a piece of your bread!!??
Starving for so long, the wail of the penniless
Yet, suffer no more and ache no longer
God is never deaf for the sincere heart

I need your compassion, give me your caress!!!
I want someone like you to feed my emptiness
The happy times in my dreams are so true
Awaken with a grumbling stomach
Want a bite of my pizza from Pizza Hut???
Well, still a happy time after all...
LOL

****
The Munchy Mouse was so little for my tummy!!! It melted in my mouth... Yummy!!!!

Possibilities

Perennial LOVE

Unending
Lasting
Never fading
Will you let me in?

Little Star

A little spark of hope deep within
Though it's an imperfect day
It is still a good news after all ---

How Will I Explain

No matter what I'll do
Wherever I may go
There's one and only you
I only hope you know...

What we don't know

If we know
You'll know
I'll know
We both know
But we don't know
Only God knows

If we did know
What God knew
You knew
I knew
We both knew

But we really don't know
Soon, you'll know
I will know too
So, we both know
God will say,
'I told you, I know
    What you don't know'

What Becomes of a Broken Heart?

Honestly, I am not giving up on loving you in spite you broke me not only once but more than the fingers could count.  I am totally shattered with the truth.  I am never like this before.  You know that you're my first in everything.   In the end, I know that somewhere in your heart, you cared and the timing for both is not just so good.  At the right time, in God's time.

I am broken, but not dead.  I fell so hard that made me stronger even than before.  I never lost my goals and visions in life.  I know that you'll come again and you know in your heart that it is me that you want in your lifetime.